Fat as Intimacy Avoidance

I know, I know, no one ever wants to be overweight, right? I think that's generally true on the conscious level. However, there are certain subconscious payoffs/enticements for keeping the pounds on. One very common inner reason to stay over weight: it can effectively keep potential intimate relationships away. This seems ever more true today with our current looks-obsessed culture.

Specifically, we often stay heavy to try to minimize the chance of getting involved in a couple relationship, along with all of the potential pitfalls, heartache, and rejection risks that may go along with it. Such heavier individuals often possess traumatic emotional scars from their past and often feeling unlovable. Therefore, the extra pounds can serve to validate how they already feel about themselves.

We generally assume that people who feel bad about their weight, therefore feel sad about themselves. However, sometimes a person feels bad about themselves first, and then they gain the weight afterwards to be consistent with their inner selves. True statement: our outer selves often reveal what is going on in our inner selves.

So, what do you do if you find yourself sabotaging your weight and appearance to stave off potential mates?

1) Ask yourself: if I was my perfect weight, would I really be ready to date right now, or would I find another reason to avoid relationships? If so, why? What am I so afraid of?

2) Next, choose to reject this self-defeating approach and replace it with something productive. Instead of avoiding dating through being heavy, choose to give yourself a voluntary sabbatical from relationships. During this break, devote yourself heavily to learning about healthy relationships: what they are and how you can choose and nurture one. Also, work on your confidence and self-esteem.

To prepare yourself for healthy relationships, I recommend going to a licensed psychotherapist to work through your barriers and insecurities to healthy relationships. I also recommend the following self-help resources:

*The Assertive Woman by Phelps --or-- Your Perfect Right by Alberti. Both of these bookes will train you in assertive communication.

*Tongue Fu by Horn. This is a book on how to respond to criticism through deflating, disarming, and defusing there the other is coming from.

*The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman. This is a book from the world's leader marriage expert on what makes for healthy relationships that last vs. what interactions predict will eventual divorce.

*The Secrets of Successful Relationships by Gray. This is a comprehensive 12 CD audio set with a lot of good info in it and is only available new through www.marsvenus.com.

3) Raise the bar of what you now looking for in a potential healthy partner. May a written list of your wants and needs. Now, commit to yourself and others that you will never settle again on less than a healthy partner and a healthy relationship ever again.

4) Choose and print off a number of profiles of what you now feel are potential "healthy" dating prospects from a respected online dating site. Have your selections reviewed by a wise, trusted friend or family member to confirm or reject the health and potential of your profiles.

5) Continue to elevate your self-esteem, your confidence, and your overall knowledge of healthy relationships during your break. When you feel strong and prepared enough to enter the fray, begin your search. Remember: never settle on less than you want and need. I've never seen a problem in life with someone being too picky in their partner search. The problems I've seen come from lowering the bar and not being picky enough.

I hope you find this information to be helpful.

Dr. Randy

Depression and Weight Gain

Hello Everyone:

Depression is more than just feeling “sad”. It also includes a number of other possible symptoms, including poor eating and sleeping habits, lowered self-esteem, low energy, loss of interest in activities, difficulty concentrating and making decisions, feelings of helplessness or hopelessness, and even suicidal thoughts.

All of these symptoms create extreme emotional upset that can wreak havoc on your weight. Because depression is such a miserable experience, poor eating, laziness, and excessive sleeping often become avenues for temporary relief. Unfortunately, overeating and a lack of bodily movement can add a lot of extra pounds. These self-defeating choices then serve to increase your depression, and so the cycle goes.

The best way to not allow depression to hurt your weight is to proactively and strategically manage your depression better to elevate your mood. Obviously, the better your mood becomes, the easier it is to make better eating, sleeping, and exercise choices. Here are a 3 ideas help you better control and elevate your mood:

1) Seek psychotherapy from a qualified psychotherapist. The therapy approach best shown to minimize depression is “cognitive-behavioral therapy”. To find a helpful therapist, I suggest searching the therapist finders at: www.apa.org and www.aamft.org, and then looking up the therapist websites for more detailed information.

2) Search out and utilize quality self-help materials for depression. I recommend 2 possible workbooks: The Feeling Good Handbook by Burns and Mind Over Mood by Greenberger and Padesky. CD programs that many of my clients have found helpful include How to Love Yourself by Hay and Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins. Websites with helpful material on depression include: www.psychologytoday.com and www.yapko.com/content/selfhelp/aboutdepression.aspx

3) Consider taking a supplement to minimize the depression from a biological angle. An assessment for antidepressant medication from a psychiatrist is an option. A second is to look into natural supplements such as strategic vitamins, minerals, herbs, and health foods. A good resource natural supplement information is Prescription for Nutritional Healing by Balch.

Depression is more than a risk to your weight. It can be a serious issue needing direct professional intervention. Please consider the ideas above to start. Remember, life is too short to be unhappy, let alone overweight. Think about it.

Best Wishes,

Dr. Randy

Peer Pressure to Stay Overweight

Hello Everyone:

There are many potential hurdles to losing weight: hunger, laziness, emotional eating, procrastination, etc. However, an unexpected challenge often comes in the form of unsupportive peers: family, friends, and even coworkers. Even though these are ordinarily the people you’d expect to support you in your weight loss efforts, the opposite is often the case.

So, why would those who are supposed to be closest to us try to sabotage our diets and keep us heavy? Here are several possible reasons:

1) If you successfully lose weight, that might remind them of their own unsuccessful weight loss efforts. In other words, if you succeed and get thinner, it reminds them that they’ve failed and have continued to fail. However, if they can somehow sabotage your efforts to succeed, they won’t have to feel so bad. When it comes to weight loss, “misery loves miserable company”. If everyone feels unsuccessful together, the shared pain doesn’t feel so bad. Sad, but very common.

2) If you lose weight, your peers might suddenly feel like they need to lose weight as well—which they might not feel ready to try (again). Therefore, if they can somehow persuade you off of your diet, it buys them more time before they have to change their own habits.

3) If you became thinner, this would attract more attention, compliments, and acceptance towards you. This, of course, would mean less attention, compliments, and acceptance for them. Hence, some selfishly might try to limit your success because your gain would mean their loss.

4) You changing your diet and exercise habits might interrupt some of your old peer-bonding activities together that your friends don’t want to lose/cut back on. Often, this involves eating out at high calorie restaurants, having parties with fatty snacks, and spending time in more sedentary activities like hanging out and watching TV and movies.

Does all of this mean that your friends and family don’t want the best for you? Well, that depends. The more selfish, jealous, insecure, and superficial they are, the more of they’ll try to sabotage your healthy eating and exercise habits. Conversely, the more service-oriented, gracious, secure, and principles/values-oriented they are, the more that they will support, celebrate, and emulate your efforts.

If you find that your peers are of the more selfish/insecure variety, you may wish to limit your time around them and/or tactfully encourage them to make the same changes you’re making. If they choose to reject you and isolate you because of your weight loss success, you might be better off spending less time around them anyway. Staying overweight should not be a requirement to maintain a relationship. Think about it! You’re not doing either of you any favors. The price of health is sometimes high, but is always worth it. As the saying goes, if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.

Best wishes...

Dr. Randy

**Quality Hypnosis Works!**
www.TheWeightLossMindset.com

Having An Attractive Attitude

HAVING AN ATTRACTIVE ATTITUDE

Is getting down to your ideal weight the most important component to looking good? What about muscle tone, a skin tan, and being fashionable and trendy? Although all of these factors can contribute to a person “looking good”, they’re all just a part of the whole attraction package. There is still a large, key factor remaining in the equation.

My simply point is this: as you are losing weight and working on your looks, work on creating a positive attitude as well. The entire package of looks and attitude go far in attracting a potential life partner (and/or to nourish a present one).

I remember talking to a client of mine in my private practice about this issue of attraction and attitude. He said to me: for every unhappy Brazilian supermodel out there, there’s some guy tired of (making love to) her—although he used a much more colorful term. He further explained that “if she’s angry or depressed she becomes instantly unattractive”. Fair enough. He also said that “no man likes an unhappy woman”. I’m sure this is basically true for women’s attraction to men as well. A positive attitude counts.

Here are 5 ideas to cultivate a more positive attitude:

1) Become aware of your tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. Practice radiating a more positive, endearing countenance as much as possible. Often, acting the part will help you eventually feel and be the part. If nothing else, this will help others want to be around you more.

2) Remember the rule of thumb: do I present myself in such a way that I would want to be around me? If not, change yourself accordingly. It’s like the Golden Rule from the Bible: do unto others (that is, maintain a positive countenance and attitude) as you would have them do unto you.

3) Learn how to think more positively and challenge old, self-defeating beliefs—including letting go of “emotional baggage”. This may be challenging to do by yourself, so you may wish to seek out a qualified and licensed psychotherapist to assist. In addition, you may wish to look into the following self-help cognitive therapy workbook: Mind Over Mood by Greenberger and Padesky.

4) Learn social skills and build up your relationships with others. As you reach out and connect more, your mood and attitude will naturally improve. A suggested book on the subject: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

5) View happiness and positivity as a choice in your life and a skill you can learn and improve, rather than a personality attribute that some fortunate few are blessed with (and others not).

Finally, remember that improving your attitude takes work just like weight loss, fashion, etc. I leave you with thought by Samuel Goldwyn: “I’m a big believer in luck. The harder I work, the luckier I get”.

Best wishes,

Dr. Randy

The Media’s Role in Making Us Fat

Yes, the media has a role in prompting us to eat large portions of high calorie fatty and sugary foods. These include fast-foods, sugary deserts, fatty meats and dairy, processed foods, and other “nutritional offenders”. So, how is the media doing this and why?

The “how” part is simple: the media bombards most of the western world with endless television commercials, magazine ads, billboards and signs, internet ads, and so on. These ads show delicious-looking foods, along with hungry, ecstatic people eating that food. Included with these ads are often catchy statements and slogans of how wonderful it would be for you to eat these foods. Examples: “you deserve ____”, “mmmmmm, ____”, “follow your taste buds”, etc.

The “why” part is also simple: the companies putting out this advertising do so because they want to sell you a lot of their food products and MAKE A LOT OF MONEY. They don’t care about your health and your weight. They are businesses, not health care establishments.

The results of all of this advertising? We consumers make poor food choices and buy larger proportions than needed. The foods we buy are often the ones with the best marketing, rather than those best for our health, our energy, and our waistlines.

Several suggestions to minimize the effects of food advertising:

1) Plan you meals and snacks ahead of time in writing. Make these choices as healthy as possible. Then, resist buying and eating emotionally outside of your plan.

2) When encountering food ads, focus on the fat, sugar, or calorie levels in the food, versus the ecstatic person eating the food.

3) When encountering food ads, restate their positive slogan with something negative. For example, change “you deserve this” to “I don’t deserve to be fat”.

I wish you health and happiness!

Dr. Randy

Motivational Quotes for Weight Loss

Hello again:

Here are a number of motivational quotes to support and inspire you along your weight loss journey:

"Keys to success... Research your idea, Plan for success, Expect success, & just plain do it! It amazes me how many people skip the last step! Practice being a "doer" and success will follow you every step of the way!" -- Josh S. Hinds

"I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, If you do it right today." -Sheldon S. Maye
"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." -- Jeremy Kitson

"If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author and everyday you have the opportunity to write a new page" -- Mark Houlahan

"There are 3 things that are certain in life: death, taxes and change. You can't avoid change, it's mandatory, progress however is optional." -- Bill R. Good, Jr.

There comes that mysterious meeting in life when someone acknowledges who we are and what we can be, igniting the circuits of our highest potential" -- Rusty Berkus

"If you have the will to win, you have achieved half your success; if you don't, you have achieved half your failure." -- David Ambrose

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Why? Why Not? Why Not You? Why Not Now? – Aslan

"Many risks fail because they were not taken in time. Too many risks are postponed until unnecessarily elaborate preparations are made. This does not mean that one should say, "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" That is foolish and self-destructive. . . . But don't sit back waiting for the perfect moment. It almost never comes." -- David Viscott, Risking

"The great French Marshall Lyautey once asked his gardener to plant a tree. The gardener objected that the tree was slow growing and would not reach maturity for 100 years.The Marshall replied, "In that case, there is no time to lose. Plant it this afternoon!" -- John F. Kennedy

"When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?" -- Sydney Harris

"The last dejected effort often becomes the winning stroke." -- W.J. Cameron

"If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." -- Mahatma Gandhi

"A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." -- William Shedd

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." -- Charles A Beard

"All of our dreams can come true -- if we have the courage to pursue them." -- Walt Disney

"Success don't come to you... you go to it." -- Marva Collins

"A great calamity is not to have failed, but to have failed to try. -- Unknown (submitted by Tyler Berry)

"The gift of happiness belongs to those who unwrap it." -- Unknown (submitted by Tyler Berry)

"Come to the edge" the teacher said the students replied "but we are afraid" "Come to the edge" the teacher repeated They came He pushed them They flew" -- Unknown (shared by TennisSkch)

"Learn to give yourself what you wish you could get from somebody else." -- Steven Ouellette

"If you can't do it today what makes you think you will do it tomorrow?" -- Yusuf Tura

"Forget mistakes. Forget failure. Forget everything except what you're going to do now, and do it." -- Will Durant (Shared by Karen Noske)

"The world is made a better place by those who refuse to believe they can't fly." -- Unknown (Shared By Pete Watkins)

"Make your life a mission--not an intermission." – Glasgow

"All things are difficult before they are easy" -- John Morley

"Life is daring adventure, or nothing at all". shared by Eileen McCoy

There is nothing in life that cannot be done. All you have to do is reach far beyond your wildest dreams. And never let go. Birgitte Estelle Rasine, copyright 2000

Don't wait for your ship to com in swim out to it... - author unknown (shared by Joanne)

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional" - (Shared by Julia)

There are three types of people in the world. 1. Those who see a problem. 2. Those who are the problem. 3. and those who solve the problem. The first two are a dime dozen. What you have to ascertain is this, which one are you. (Shared by Paul Stanley)

"We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore." - Unknown (sent by Jacy)

"It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have don them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms and devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat" - 'The Man in the Arena' (above quotes shared by Raymond R. King)

Always remember that you can achieve everything in life that your heart desires as long as you have the courage to pursue all your dreams, goals, and ambitions with all your heart and with all your soul. Because it is you and only you that has the power to change your life! If you don't stand up and take control of your destiny - Who Will????? (shared by Steven Poole)

You may be disappointed if you fail but doomed if you never try. Some people advance through life, while others remain stagnant and only dream of what they can achieve. There is a difference between wanting and having, saying and doing. Don't let those who fear progression keep you down or steal your visions. Act out of your dreams. Everything is real and everything is possible. - Element Skateboards (Shared by Linda)

"Well done" is better than "Well said". - Benjamin Franklin

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we often might win, by fearing to attempt." -- William Shakespeare

"The history of the human race is the history of ordinary people who have overcome their fears and accomplished extraordinary things." -- Brian Tracy

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take - Wayne Gretzky (Shared by Ken L.)

“The longer you wait to decide what you want to do, the more time you’re wasting. It’s up to you to want something so badly that your passion shows through in your actions. Your actions, not your words, will do the shouting for you.” -- Derek Jeter (pro baseball player)

"In one hand I have a dream, and in the other I have an obstacle. Tell me, which one grabs your attention?" -- Henry Parks

"Most people are too busy living life to ever put life in their living..." -- Doug Firebaugh

"It's not how many dreams you have, it's how many you bring to life!" -- Bobby Minor

"The strongest and sweetest song remains to be sung" -- Walt Whitman (Poet)

"One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't do." -- Henry Ford

"Procrastination is opportunity's assassin." -- Victor Kiam (Businessman, former CEO of Remington Products Company)

"There is the risk you cannot afford to take, and there is the risk you cannot afford not to take." -- Peter Drucker

"When you cannot make up your mind which of two evenly balanced courses of action you should take -- choose the bolder." -- William Joseph Slim

(quote reference source: www.getmotivation.com/favorites.html)

Enjoy,

Dr. Randy

Creating a "Weight Loss Identity"

Hello Everyone:

A main reason why losing weight and keeping it off can be so difficult is because you may have an “overweight identity” that leads you to inadvertently sabotage your weight loss efforts. Your “identity” may be thought of as the total way you’ve defined “who you are”: what you do, how you think and believe, and why. Generally, people end up overweight is because their identity somehow came to include being an overweight person, along with the ways of thinking and acting that preserve and perpetuate it.

How does one end up with an “overweight identity”? Where does it come from? Usually, through early-life conditioning. Perhaps parents role-modeled being overweight. Perhaps they called you names and put you down for your looks. Perhaps you were taught that you weren't good enough or worthy enough to be thin. In any event, you somehow learned that being overweight is “who you are”, leading you to perpetuate it—like it or not. .

The good news is that it’s never too late to modify and recreate your id entity into a healthy “low weight” you. When you do, you’ll find that thinking and acting in the ways thinner people do becomes much easier and more natural. Self-sabotage decreases and even disappears.

3 tips for creating a new lower weight identity:

1) First, write out your old negative beliefs and actions you’ve used to stay overweight, and then think of where they originated. From your parents? Peers? The media? Now, challenge these old habits by writing out detailed evidence against each tendency being valid or useful. Finally, write healthier ways to think and act in contrast to these old self-defeating tendencies. You may need to do some research and learn more what statistics say makes for healthy, thinner people and how they conduct themselves.

2) Second, brainstorm and write out your new “weight loss identity”: how you’ll choose to think and act now in relation to eating, exercise, and your lower weight lifestyle in general. Create a composite sketch of the new, healthier you. Continue to research, brainstorm, and refine your written “weight loss identity”.

3) Third, regularly practice visualizing the new you in sharp detail. Make the new you tangible, identifiable, and clear.

*With practice, continuing to brainstorm, refine, and visualize your new healthier, lower-weight identity will help you to actually possess such an identity and make your weight loss journey a success.

Best wishes,

Dr. Randy